I thought I found a moment of clarity. I was wrong. As I sank back into the fog the desire for the self loathing ice cream bing reappeared. At least I didn’t spend that 5 dollars on checkers. I’m alone again. I should be fine but the frustration building in me is relentless. I don’t know what to do to relieve it. Stay faithful. There’s a battle between thinking it’s my fault and knowing it’s not. I say it but idk if it’s true. I’m happy. I lied. I’m happy. Not completely false. I’m happy. But everything isn’t ok. I’m not completely happy. That would be the truth. Are feelings the one place we accept gray area? If so I’m somewhere in there. The spiced rum, Citron and orange juice is working faster than I thought and I need a week off. A day to do shit, a few days to be productive and 2 days to recover and prepare for the monotony and unsatisfaction. I’m not ungrateful. Thank you God. I’m just expecting more. I want to use the potential I have….I’m happy…sometimes.

"Dear Batman…I erased all of your messages today. I got tired of looking back at when I thought we were friends. Continue looking for crime. Someone will need you one day."

Marriage

There is emotion welling up in the pit of my stomach.

It’s saddness, it’s happiness, it’s jealousy, it’s the thought of a bleak outlook, it transitioned to wet eyes but no rainfall, it’s current

3 days ago I ran into an old friend at church we spoke briefly and she reminded me that  two people I was very close with and that I’ve known since elementary school are both married.

2 days ago a friend text me and said…”she said yes!” It was simple but the exuberance in it was astounding. He’s now engaged.

1 day ago a friend showed me the two rings he’s deciding between to present when he asks his girlfriend. His goal is to be engaged sometime next year.

Today. I looked on facebook and saw a person I use to have such a huge crush on just got married. I remember doing everything to garnish their attention.

I’m not alone but I feel it. Since senior year I had a formulated dream of how it’s suppose to be. The funny thing is every one of those people thought I would be the first one. 

marriage equallyyoked notyetmarried unequallyyoked relationship

The most honest three and a half minutes of television, EVER…

"

For some people there is a sad moment when you realize if you turned your phone off for a day…you would turn back it on with no messages. For that moment it feels like no one cares. Our society looks for gratification from small gas filled gestures. Even our greetings are insincere.

"Hey, wasup" …no one ever really wants to know what’s up.

I don’t want a text or a like on Instagram. I want someone to write me a letter. I want someone to drive and visit me. I want someone to sacrifice something real for me. To ask questions that dig below the surface. To care what the response is. Give time, give thought, give emotions, give real. Get me in return. I’m not cocky but I think I’m a great investment.

"
- P.Selah

I don’t know if I’m really happy. I tell myself I should be as I look at where I am and therefore I am. I don’t think I am though. Something is missing or maybe something was lost. Idk if I’ve ever really been happy. Moments of joy and spans of time where I don’t think…just enjoy..those are the closest I’ve ever been.

I feel like a fish in a huge aquarium. Took me forever to swim around the edge. I was happy until I realized I was trapped.

I want to find it one day. happiness