I thought I found a moment of clarity. I was wrong. As I sank back into the fog the desire for the self loathing ice cream bing reappeared. At least I didn’t spend that 5 dollars on checkers. I’m alone again. I should be fine but the frustration building in me is relentless. I don’t know what to do to relieve it. Stay faithful. There’s a battle between thinking it’s my fault and knowing it’s not. I say it but idk if it’s true. I’m happy. I lied. I’m happy. Not completely false. I’m happy. But everything isn’t ok. I’m not completely happy. That would be the truth. Are feelings the one place we accept gray area? If so I’m somewhere in there. The spiced rum, Citron and orange juice is working faster than I thought and I need a week off. A day to do shit, a few days to be productive and 2 days to recover and prepare for the monotony and unsatisfaction. I’m not ungrateful. Thank you God. I’m just expecting more. I want to use the potential I have….I’m happy…sometimes.